The Intergalactic Business Report’s own psychic, Burbar the Magnificent, was captured on February 7 as he fled through a field on his way to his magic cave (we assume). Since then, he has spent his time in one of our editor’s apartments, telling tales of the afterlife and giving amazing insights into the future. Below read excerpts from our most recent interview with him:
INTERVIEWER: First off, how did you get the name “Burbar the Magnificent”? It sounds like a stage name.
BURBAR: My name is actually Jeff Stanley.
INTERVIEWER: And you changed it to Burbar as part of your act?
BURBAR: No. I don’t have an “act.”
INTERVIEWER: Right. I get it. It’s not an act. You’re a real psychic.
BURBAR: No. (Sighs, like a small girl). My name is Jeff Stanley and you chased me through a field and locked me in this crappy apartment with you. Can you please let me go now?
INTERVIEWER: So, you’re not going to give us any predictions?
BURBAR: About what?
INTERVIEWER: About the future, for instance.
BURBAR: O.K. I’ll give you one. In the future, the cops break in here and free me.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. What happens to me?
BURBAR: You get arrested.
INTERVIEWER: That sounds awful.
BURBAR: Yeah, I’m assuming it will be. For you.
INTERVIEWER: Is there any way to alter the future? To change certain things from happening?
BURBAR: (Excited, like a girl on her eighth birthday). Yes. Yes! You can release me right now. Just let me go and I’ll be on my way and you won’t get arrested or anything.
INTERVIEWER: On your way? Back to your magic cave?
BURBAR: I’m telling you, I don’t have a magic cave.
INTERVIEWER: I think you’re lying to me.
BURBAR: I’m not. I swear.
INTERVIEWER: Admit you have a magic cave and I’ll let you go.
BURBAR: O.K. I have a magic cave. I live there. I have secret spells I cast and I can alter the future with my mind. Is that what you want to hear? Is it?
INTERVIEWER: I’m gonna go get some Chipotle or something. You want anything?
BURBAR: I want you to let me go.
INTERVIEWER: Like I said, I'm going to Chipotle.
BURBAR: O.K. I’ll take a burrito bowl then. With carnitas and guacamole.
INTERVIEWER: Guac costs extra.
BURBAR: Whatever then.
On our way to Chipotle we decided to go to KFC instead and forgot about the burrito bowl for Burbar. When we got back, he was like, “You went to KFC and didn’t get me anything? You said you were getting me a burrito bowl from Chipotle.” We were like, “No, we did get you something.” And then we took a drumstick out of a bucket of extra crispy and handed it to him and acted like that was his drumstick the whole time and we had ordered it for him. He was pissed, we could tell, and we wanted to be like, “You’re a psychic, you should have known we were going to forget your burrito bowl,” but that seemed kind of cruel so we just didn’t say anything.
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