THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

Life-changing Insights

IBR unveils new campaign to save professional sports.

4/28/2020

Comments

 
Picture
Once we get past worrying about how many people will die from Coronavirus, most Americans start worrying about whether we’ll ever play sports again. Imagine fall without football. Empty stadiums. Fake, zoom tailgates before replays of games nobody cares about and can’t bet on. The future looks grim, or did, until the Intergalactic Business Report unveiled its new campaign to save all professional sports. 
 
Today, we announce “Stay home and play with yourself.” Because the full plan is over two thousand eighty-five pages, we have outlined the most important features below.
 
 

1. “Stay at home and play with yourself” covers all major sports and all professional athletes.  

2. Our plan is based on a simple premise: Instead of playing with the rest of your team, athletes will now just play with themselves in the comfort and confines of their own home. 

3. We understand this will change most professional sports slightly, because, for instance, instead of throwing a football or tackling other men, an athlete will instead just be whacking off by himself, but we feel this alteration to the sport is almost insignificant. 

4. Major events like the Super Bowl can be easily replaced with large group masturbation contests between your favorite players. This will make fantasy football even more exciting and add a new element to the competition. 

5. Suburban dads who spend their falls complaining about NFL players and teams can now just admit it was all pretty much the same as a bunch of dudes beating their meat. This will bring a massive calm to the nation and possibly end domestic violence. 

6. “Man Caves” will now be used for their real purpose and not just be a weird and unsettling thing created by males who “want their space.” Wives across America will be like, “Oh… All right. Go to your man cave now.” 

​7. Athletes from New Jersey will dominate, but we feel strongly this will only be for the first several years of our plan. Our projections show that in years 15-16, other states, like Delaware, might close the gap slightly.
Comments

    About

    Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.

    Archives

    April 2025
    March 2025
    January 2025
    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    July 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    January 2024
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    December 2022
    September 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    March 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR