Are you finally ready to find happiness? Contrary to conventional relationship advice which says dumb stuff like you should look for a mate that has a lot in common with you; makes you feel good about your life; and shares your values, the Intergalactic Business Report delivers you the ultimate guide to finding your soulmate.
Below we offer you what to look for and what to avoid. Just be aware of these crucial signs:
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She understands what it’s like to work for a living.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She asks for cash from you and then “makes it rain” on waiters instead of just adding in a gratuity.
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She respectfully looks away when you’re checking your phone.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She surprises you by changing your wallpaper to her face and makes you read your texts to her in a robot voice while she refers to you as Siri.
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She feels guilty when you pay for dinner.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She regularly “turns you out” as a street walker while she eats nearby, telling you to come back with her fucking money and to wear a condom.
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She tries to treat people she doesn’t know like they’re family.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She constantly begs you to capture strangers and hold them in her basement because she’s trying to build a new “family.”
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She wants you to come home to meet her parents.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She explains that her dad is also her brother. Wanna meet him?
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: Sex is satisfying and you feel comfortable afterwards.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: Sex is usually between you and a crudely constructed sex doll she built. She insists you prove to her you can, “handle your shit,” before you get a shot with her for real.
SIGN SHE’S NOT THE ONE: She loves animals and children.
SIGN SHE’S THE ONE: She loves children who look like animals. If they don’t, she hates them. Sometimes she just shows you pictures of actual animals and says, “Isn’t this boy adorable?” and you’re like, “Yeah, that’s a cute animal from the zoo, I guess,” and she’s like, “You mean a cute boy?” and you’re like, “Yeah, a cute boy…”
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