A friend, a colleague, or maybe a spouse screwed up. And now you await their apology. You hope it’s sincere and authentic, but you worry that maybe a little passive aggression is slipping in.
The Intergalactic Business Report interviewed leading psychologists* who analyzed common phrases people use when apologizing but don’t really mean it. Below, we have collected the top eleven. If someone apologizes using any of these openings, beware. They’re not really sorry.
1. “I accept zero responsibility for anything.”
2. “Fuck you I didn’t do it.”
3. “My penis apologizes for being too large.”
4. “Excuse me while I don’t apologize to you for shit.”
5. “I’m sorry you can’t fit my giant dick in your mouth while I tell you I’m not sorry.”
6. “I have an apology for you in my pants and it’s my penis. I hope you’ll accept it.”
7. “I found this note in the apology jar. Nope it’s not for you.”
8. “I am sorry for metaphorically and literally dick-slapping you in the face.”
9. “I hope you can understand English when I say that I’m totally not sorry.”
10. “Let me explain myself in a story about a sea captain who came home one day and didn’t apologize.”
11. “I’m not sorry? What? Did someone say something? Wait…. I think I heard it… Someone said he’s not sorry. Who said that? Oh. It was me.”
*Some dudes. In a bar. It’s hard to remember. There was a fight. We think. It started when we asked them to say they were fucking sorry for something. Can’t remember what. Anyway…
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