For many this holiday, giving gifts will be the highlight of the season. Nothing compares to watching someone’s eyes light up as they receive that perfect present you ingeniously chose and paid money for. But what if you chose poorly? And instead of eyes lighting up, you just see a mouth saying, “What the fuck?” in horror?
To save you from misery, the Intergalactic Business Report lists 7 items you may have bought as gifts for friends and family this year. If you thought these were a good idea, you were wrong. Remove them immediately from their spot under the Christmas tree and return (or just burn) them today.
ITEM ONE: Monkey shit.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Since when would anyone want monkey shit for Christmas? What is wrong with you? You actually paid for monkey shit and then wrapped it up and were about to give it to someone as a gift? How much did you pay? You’d think it’d be free because who would pay for monkey shit?
ITEM TWO: Human cadaver.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: You thought maybe the recipient could use it to study anatomy, but you can’t just steal a body from a cadaver lab and wrap it as a gift. It stinks. It’s rotting. It’s under your tree. We hate to say this again, but what the fuck is wrong with you?
ITEM THREE: Puzzle box that opens the gates of Hell.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Like the Rubick’s Cube craze of the 1980’s, the Gates of Hell Puzzle Box gives someone the opportunity to solve a complex puzzle and feel great about his intellect when it’s over. Unfortunately, the Gates of Hell Puzzle Box also opens the gates of Hell, which means everyone will be sucked away into the darkness of eternal damnation as soon as it’s completed. Question: Where the fuck did you find a Gates of Hell Puzzle Box?
ITEM FOUR: Bag of money you stole from a drug lord.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: While it seems grandiose and cool to present someone with a gigantic duffel of cash, your fucking life is in danger. You need to arrange a way to get that money back to the drug lord and you have to RUN. Leave the fucking country. What the fuck were you thinking?
ITEM FIVE: Vipers.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: They bite and are impossible to catch once they slither out of the gift box.
ITEM SIX: Cursed objects from ancient temples, pirate ships, or turn-of-the-century brothels.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: The main reason is that they’re CURSED. That’s a bad thing in case you didn’t understand. Jesus.
ITEM SEVEN: Food from famous movies.
REASON NOT TO GIFT IT: Yeah. Emilio Estevez was eating that sandwich in the Breakfast Club and it's kind of cool that you have it now. But that sandwich is from thirty-five years ago. How much did you pay for that anyway? Did Emilio Estevez sell it to you or something? Why the fuck would he hold on to a sandwich for 35 years? You didn’t take a bite of it, did you? Jesus.
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