Texts. You get them. But not all of them are good. If you receive any of these, delete them immediately or you’ll be sorry.
“Hey Brad. It’s Satan again. Been trying to reach you man. What up? Can you talk for a sec?”
“Need your address so I can find where to murder you. Hit me back ASAP.”
“This is mom. Can you bring me some condoms so I can have sex with random men?”
“Hey bro. Hope you can help me out. I’m just starting out in a gang and need to kill someone random to get in. Text back for details.”
“Need your penis cut off? Call me.”
“Hey cutie. Ima Russian model who wants to hook up with you. I’m super into ugly dudes who suck at everything.”*
“Dear sir. I would respectfully request the privilege of transferring my royal bank account to your Nintendo Switch. “
“Type YES to automatically shit your pants.”
“Got your number from your mom. Can you bring over some condoms?”
*Actually, go ahead and answer this one.
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