After food hoarding for close to a year, it may be time for a freezer check to rethink what nastiness you thought you would need when you entered the pandemic. A new warning issued by the Intergalactic Business Report lists seven items you should get rid of right now if you were dumb enough to store them in your ice box.
ITEM ONE: Monkey shit.
REASON TO TOSS IT: Why did you think it was a good idea to store monkey shit in your freezer? That’s incredibly fucked up. We can’t come up with a single reason why that was a good idea.
ITEM TWO: Photos of you committing crimes.
REASON TO TOSS IT: Why would you keep pictures of yourself robbing banks and stuff? That’s so fucking stupid. Do you realize if people searched your house they could find these in your freezer and then what would you say? “That’s not me in the picture…”? You’re so fucking stupid.
ITEM THREE: Space alien head.
REASON TO TOSS IT: First, how do you even know it’s a space alien? Where the fuck did you even get it? If it actually is from another universe don’t you think it could taint all your food somehow? Why didn’t you give it to some scientists? Oh.. You were going to try to sell it? Where? On fucking Ebay? Oh my god, you’re so dumb.
ITEM FOUR: Ice-activated explosives.
REASON TO TOSS IT: O.K. Why do you have any explosives in the first place? Let’s start there. And then, dumbass, you found some that were activated by ice? And you put them in your freezer? Are you fucking stupid? Answer: yes. That’s so clear.
ITEM FIVE: Priceless art.
REASON TO TOSS IT: What about freezing priceless art did you think was a good idea?
ITEM SIX: Chemicals that say, “DO NOT FREEZE.”
REASON TO TOSS IT: It says right on the label, “DO NOT FREEZE,” yet you went ahead and did that, didn’t you?
ITEM SEVEN: Frozen demons.
REASON TO TOSS IT: So, you found some evil creatures who can only survive if they keep frozen and you gave them sanctuary in your freezer? All you had to do was say, “No, you’re demons. Find some other place to live,” and they probably would have just died in your driveway or something. Did they promise you something? No? You didn’t get paid or offered some evil powers or anything? You did that for free? Jesus. What is wrong with you?
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