Ingenious IBR reader takes time from his life to re-post Charles Barkley video and tell us how “turrible” we are. Here’s what it means.
As if things couldn’t get any worse for America, a genius-like IBR reader took the time to eviscerate us so badly that we have been left shaking in terror as his grim specter hovers over us.
Recently, an IBR reader suggested that our article about Hollywood origin story movies was so bad that we all “need hobbies other than coming up with terrible movies for laughs.” In a devastating finishing move, he also condemned us to a “Charles Barkley,” in which we helplessly watched his Youtube attachment of Barkley saying, “That’s Turrible.”
What does this mean for the future of the Intergalactic Business Report? You have questions. We have answers.
Q: How did this happen? You guys are usually so careful to write things that are unassailable and safe and broadly accepted by everyone.
A: We fucked up and this guy called us on it. For months, we’ve been cutting corners and producing articles that haven’t been vetted or fact checked. The other day we posted a meme that just said the words “Ball Sweat.” We blame much of this on new anti-masturbation policies in our office.
Q: I read the burn the reader delivered to you guys. He must be the real deal.
A: The reader’s life is clearly better than anyone at IBR. We accept that.
Q: The reader said, “You guys need hobbies other than coming up with terrible movies for laughs.” That article was supposed to be funny?
A: Even though we only write serious articles, they are so terrible that they are equivalent to crappy attempts at humor.
Q: How bad ass is the guy who burned you? And how does it make you feel?
A: A genius with no equal actually read something we wrote. Then he meted out justice. We are irreparably harmed but also humbled.
Q: After seeing the carnage of the reader’s strike against you, do you think people will start using the Charles Barkley video to destroy others?
A: A Charles Barkley burn cuts deep. We feel strongly he should never be weaponized like this again.
Q: How else do you feel?
A: We feel like Hiroshima and Nagasaki because we were so thoroughly destroyed by the epic burn. Like those cities, we hope to rebuild someday, but in the meanwhile, we can only root around in the rubble and surrender.
Q: What will you do next?
A: In the short term, we will abandon writing about real life and turn to fiction. Our new fantasy novel will be about a noble warrior who travels the land telling villagers and lords who is and isn’t funny. His trusted steed will be named Charles Barkley and he will do most of the talking.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.