In a recent statement to the Intergalactic Business Report, a leading doctor* has issued a warning to anyone who will listen, and it may be one of the scariest and mind-bending pronouncements about a piece of fruit you will ever know or hear.
Below are nine crucial details, which we are rushing out to you now:
1. While the doctor will not reveal the fruit until you click on his Web advertisement, we can assure you that this fruit is not only harmful to you, but could also set off a chain of catastrophic events that could alter the universe.
2. The doctor made it clear to us that he is actually begging you not to eat the fruit. This begging includes getting on his knees, crying, and trying to kiss your hands in a submissive attempt to get you not to eat it.
3. If you order this doctor’s book/video/app, you will be saved from this fruit. If you don’t, there will be a judgment day scenario, in which those who have bought his book/video/app will be saved and those who have not will perish in unspeakable ways while they clutch the deadly fruit, not knowing it is the cause of their demise.
4. This fruit has a common name that you will recognize, but it really should be called, “piece of shit death fruit.”
5. Every time a human being takes a bite of this fruit, a new tear forms in the corner of the doctor’s eye. He loves us that much.
6. If you order an edible arrangement and this fruit is part of it, it will ruin all the other fruit by actively rubbing up against them. It’s that evil.
7. In high school, this fruit was considered popular and cool, but after graduation, people started realizing it was a total psychopath and just enjoyed making people miserable. In the end, this fruit had no real friends and everyone who came in contact with it entered immediately into a toxic relationship from which they needed to escape.
8. The devil had a chance to name this as his favorite fruit, but he was like, “No way,” because even he’s terrified by it.
9. If you eat this fruit and think it tastes good, then you are probably eviler than the devil (see above). The good news is you can now begin your reign in hell.
*Some guy on the internet.
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