Hypothetical sports matchups can be frustrating, because they usually involve comparing legendary athletes and teams from different eras. Would the 1978 Steelers beat the 2018 Patriots? Would Mike Tyson defeat Joe Louis? Would your mom please stop calling me and offering oral sex? These are questions no one can answer for sure.
Since the Intergalactic Business Report deals in fact and truth, we decided to calculate a matchup whose outcome we were sure 100% certain of. What would happen if you competed against a baby in a series of sports contests? We give you the answers below.
CONTEST ONE: Walking.
WHY: We believe strongly that since most babies can’t walk, you, as a grown adult, would win outright. However, we also calculated for the rare baby who could walk or hold on to couches and tables to propel itself forward. Even in this scenario, we would give you the slight edge.
CONTEST TWO: Hot dog eating.
WHY: In our contest, cut up hot dogs were not allowed. In order to win, you needed to eat entire hot dogs, with the bun and everything. Baby loses again, mostly because his parents won’t let him eat anything but baby food.
CONTEST THREE: Shot Put.
WHY: Even though we assume you suck at this sport and don’t really know how to do it, we are confident that you could throw a heavy ball at least a couple of inches forward, whereas a baby would be unable to lift the object. Also, its parents, again, would hamper its efforts by finding the Shot Put ball too dangerous and therefore not allowing the baby to even show up for the event.
CONTEST FOUR: Roller coaster riding.
WHY: Even if you’re scared of amusement park rides, you win this one just by showing up, since the baby is not tall enough to meet the entrance requirements.
CONTEST FIVE: Bicycle racing.
WHY: Someone’s dad putting the baby in one of those trailer things is a disqualification, so unless that baby gets on a fucking bike by himself (with no assistance!) and pedals it with its tiny little legs, AND beats you in a two-mile race, then you win. Again.
CONTEST SIX: Punt, pass, kick.
WHY: Just watch a baby try to get its hands around a football. It’s pathetic. They grip it with both hands and try to put it in their mouths. Your mouth isn’t going to throw a fucking football, baby! Go breast feed or something while the adult beats your ass in this matchup.
CONTEST SEVEN: Haunted house scare contest.
WHY: People say this isn’t a sport but fuck you. In this battle, the baby stays home and doesn’t even show up because his parents say things like, “Why would I bring a baby to a haunted house?” and, “What’s the matter with you people?” Result: you win again.
CONTEST EIGHT: Math problems.
WHY: Yeah, it’s a sport because there’s something called Mathletes. Look it up. And you are once more the victor because baby doesn’t know Math. Waaaah. Waaaah. Poor baby. Maybe you’ll learn this shit in fourth grade or something. But for now, you LOSE!
CONTEST NINE: Not shitting your pants contest.
WHY: Even if you shit your pants once or twice a week, it’s better than a baby who shits its pants all the time. Ewwww.
You are athletically superior to a baby in almost every way. Take your place on the stand to accept your medal while the baby gurgles, defeated, in its stroller.
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