Massive scientific study. Cedric Bigglestone says, “Hey, my friend,” to someone who isn’t his friend.
In a radical experiment based on science, I decided to call people who aren’t my friends my friends. What happened changed the way I think about life and also science, which is what my experiment was based on.
Part one. I say, “Hey, my friend,” to some guy I don’t know at all.
In a Target parking lot, I saw a man getting out of his car, so I got out of mine too and approached him rapidly, as if I were a trained assassin, going after my kill but instead of killing him, I didn’t at the last second. His reaction was odd, to say the least. He stepped back, as if avoiding a collision with me, which made me stumble forward and fall into a car nearby.
He asked if I was O.K. and I said, “Hey, my friend, thank you for asking. I’m fine.”
Instead of saying, “Who the fuck are you? I don’t know you! You’re not my fucking friend!” he simply said, “Good. You be careful now.”
What? He didn’t even question why someone who wasn’t his friend had called him his friend? Misery and confusion immediately crossed my knowledgeable and noble face.
Part two. I consider what I would have done if someone who wasn’t my friend tried to act like he was my friend.
In a scenario that I played out in my mind, I imagined the same man from the parking lot doing the same thing I had done to him and how I would have handled the situation. I decided quickly that I would have assaulted him out of fear and disgust for his familiarity. What the fuck was he thinking saying all that to me? And he had almost run right into me, like a trained assassin.
Part three. I confront the man inside Target.
As if he didn’t expect it to happen, the man seemed very surprised that I was following him through Target and waiting for my opportunity to tell him just what I thought of his poor behavior.
I waited at the end of aisles for him, but he would see me and go the other way. Then I threw a jar of peanut butter at him and he walked really quickly in the other direction, almost like a girl or coward. I raced towards him but stopped right before I made contact, just showing him my teeth and seething as I said: “I’m not your friend….”
Part four. The experiment ends with mixed results.
Local security-type people ended up interfering in my scientific study and this may have affected my final results. I do think the man learned his lesson, but I also think he will probably do the same thing again to someone else, maybe at a Costco or Walmart. The fact that he was unable to discern between a stranger and a friend made me finally understand that I was brought to this Earth with special abilities no one else has. This is really not that man’s fault, therefore, and I have decided to forgive him.
My forgiveness, however, comes from the part of my brain that shows compassion and makes me want to pet dogs. The much larger, logical part of my brain makes me do scientific equations and diagnose the chemical makeup of whatever you flash in front of me while I wear a blindfold. Today, the small section of my brain beat the big one and the man from Target will be forever indebted to it.
In conclusion, science is true and we should really care more about what it’s telling us, even when we are just walking through a Target parking lot. In fact, use that as the piece of wisdom that guides you through the next five years of your life. In the meanwhile, I will continue my struggle against compassion and emotion and bring you scientific studies that you can actually understand. You’re welcome in advance.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at email@example.com.
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