Matthew McConaughey said to define who I’m not. I’m still writing. By Ed Mountaineer.

“The first step that leads to our identity in life is usually not ‘I know who I am,’ but rather “I know who I am not’ process of elimination. Defining ourselves by what we are NOT is the first step that leads us to really KNOWING WHO WE ARE.” – Matthew McConaughey.
 
As someone who’s always trying to improve himself, I turned to Matthew McConaughey for advice. Although he didn’t personally talk to me, I feel like he would totally be my friend if I could find his house and wait for him in the driveway to say hello. 
 
Anyway… I started out by taking Mac’s coolest piece of advice—that in order to find my true identity I need to first define who I’m not. I found out that there are a lot of things I’m not. I’m still writing, but I thought I’d share 1-36. 
 
Who I’m not:
 

1. Someone who buys toilet paper. 
2. Someone who watches non-porn movies.
3. Someone who avoids life advice from celebrities.
4. Someone who has “basic” hygiene. 
5. Someone who holds in farts.
6. Someone who can go grocery shopping without being arrested.
7. Someone who doesn’t know what ass tastes like.
8. Someone who pees into the toilet.
9. Someone who hasn’t pretended he has a vagina by tucking his dick between his legs and saying, “Hey, look at my pussy!”
10. Someone who hasn’t been arrested for tucking his dick between his legs and saying, “Hey, look at my pussy!” at a theme park.
11. Someone who can eat a banana without maintaining eye contact with someone else.
12. Someone who doesn’t make his own food out of magic dust and spices.
13. Someone who has a “bank” account.
14. Someone who wears swim trunks at public pools.
15. Someone who makes other people in the shopping mall feel “comfortable” and “not afraid.”
16. Someone who wears underwear and not scuba suits under his clothes.
17. Someone who hasn’t been hospitalized for e coli poisoning after eating tainted ass.
18. Someone who isn’t “wanted” by law enforcement.
19. Someone who uses his regular penis and not Mr. Dongbringer for sex.
20. Someone who arrives at reasonable conclusions by asking questions, reading and through thought and debate.
21. Someone who pays for cable.
22. Someone who speaks non-gibberish when asked what he’s doing in someone’s home.
23. Someone who has a degree from a planet Earth university or college.
24. Someone who can stop screaming at people from the highway overpass.
25. Someone whose shirts have sleeves.
26. Someone who has no surprise in his pants.
27. Someone who wears non-denim clothing.
28. Someone who can’t talk to dogs.
29. Someone who has a retirement plan.
30. Someone who has working electricity.
31. Someone who feels physical pain.
32. Someone who wrestles people in sanctioned matches instead of just surprising them in Target parking lots.
33. Someone who eats green food. 
34. Someone who isn’t asked to leave the DMV for screaming Kenny Loggins lyrics.
35. Someone who has a penis below four and a half inches and above four inches, 1.26 centimeters.
36. Someone who uses medicine he’s been “prescribed.”