Mind-blowing devastation to the psychological community. The five personality traits, revised.

Mind wizards and brain doctors (or psychologists as some people call them) have been pushing the idea for years that there are five major personality traits for all human beings. You may ask, “Only five? What about Sybil? Or that guy from Split?” Apparently, that’s something different, although it makes no sense to us.
 
Anyway, they conclude that all of us have five things that shape our personalities. They are: openness, neuroticism, agreeableness, extraversion, and conscientiousness. Bored yet? So were we, so we commissioned some of the greatest mind doctors on the planet to re-evaluate these tired, old ideas and spice them up so that real people could understand and appreciate them.  Behold the new five personality traits. You’re welcome.
 
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: OPENNESS.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: FREAK QUOTIENT. Basically how will much weird sex stuff you’re willing to do.
 
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: NEUROTICISM.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: SKETCHINESS. This is based one how much or little you’d be trusted to take care of someone’s cat because people kind of think you might do something fucked up to it.
 
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: EXTRAVERSION.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: EXTRAPERVERSION. Almost identical to the “freak quotient” above, except this one has the word “perv” embedded.
 
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: AGREEABLENESS.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: PUTSTUFFUPYOURBUTTEDNESS. This one measures your capacity to put things in your butt. A high rating means you could probably fit a toaster, for instance.
 
FORMER PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.
NEW PERSONALITY TRAIT NAME: CAPTAIN CRUNCH AMOUNT LEAVING. This refers to the amount of Captain Crunch cereal you eat after having sex at someone’s apartment. Do you finish the whole box? Then your Captain Crunch Amount Leaving rating will be low. Do you have a small bowl, and then ask whoever you just dingled if they’d like some too? Then your rating is high.