You’re at a bar and you’ve been drinking too much. In other words, everything is perfect. But then, some friends start a conversation and you feel compelled to jump in and say what’s on your mind.
For years, people have regretted what they’ve said when drunk or become embarrassed or offended by what drunk people say. But a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has determined that what you say when you’re really really drunk may be the best things you ever say in your entire life.
These nine formerly mortifying talking points are what you should be proud of most:
1. Saying you love someone, repeatedly, and then when they say, “I love you too,” being very skeptical and then repeating that you really mean it. You really love them and they don’t understand.
2. Giving your views on abortion. And race. And then some gibberish about how in the old days people got killed for doing something or other.
3. Trying to kiss someone and then, when rejected, apologizing for being super drunk, and then leaning in again for another kiss a second later.
4. Speaking an “alien” language because your mouth doesn’t work anymore.
5. Kind of coming out as gay, even though you aren’t. Or are you?
6. Making detailed vacation plans with other drunk people.
7. Offering to buy someone a car.
8. Telling someone to call you the next day so you can immediately get in on the “investment opportunity” he mentioned.
9. Telling that story about how you could have had sex with Rhonda Deckmeyer in ninth grade, but didn’t because your wiener couldn’t get hard. Then, maybe fifteen minutes later, telling it again, as if no one had heard it before. Then, repeating it every fifteen minutes until last call. Then, screaming to your friends in the parking lot, “my wiener can’t get hard!”
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