Contrary to popular belief, having an endless supply of money and being part of the super wealthy elite is not as great as you may think. In fact, there are parts of this lifestyle that can be described as “difficult” and “hard.”
This is all according to a recent wealth study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report. After hours of interviews with some of the wealthiest humans on the planet, we discovered nine almost unbelievable truths about the hardships these richer-than-shit people face, sometimes every day.
1. Private chefs sometimes cook steaks at medium temperatures, even when rich people tell them to cook them medium rare or medium well. We were shocked to learn that some of the ultra-wealthy will not punish their chefs over these royal fuckups, and instead just tell them the food was great. They do this mainly out of politeness because, astoundingly, they don’t want, “to be seen as an asshole.” But sometimes the chefs will do this more than once in a year, causing high stress among the elite, who must either hold their tongues and eat the ill-prepared meat, or drop a class level or two by berating or publicly disciplining a servant for involuntary insubordination. Keeping cool in these situations can be almost unbearable.
2. When traveling, some rich people must rent limousines instead of use their own, which are back home. Understandable. But what happens when you order a white limousine with a black interior and receive a white limousine with a beige interior?
3. Your penis isn’t any bigger just because you’re rich. And, while penile enhancement surgery is available, people will often ask, “Were you really born with a six inch penis, or is this enhanced?”
4. People who don’t know you’re rich don’t automatically laugh at your jokes, which causes terrible anxiety among the wealthy. (See number nine, below.)
5. It still remains illegal to murder insubordinate servants. Until the laws change, many of the mega-rich must hold in their anger to the point at which it is unhealthful for them. (See number one, above.)
6. In America at least, rich people are allowed only one vote, like everyone else. Yuck.
7. It turns out that buttholes cannot be removed effectively and rich people must take shits once and sometimes twice (or three times!) a day.
8. Outside of the made-up Iron Man movies, wealthy people cannot fly like super heroes. Which sucks for them. You would think that when you have enough money, you would grow wings or something. Or at least be able to buy a suit like, well, Iron Man.
9. Rich people never know whether others like them for themselves or their money. This means that after an evening of everyone telling them how cool and awesome they are, many of the elite super rich return home to their mansions and have to wonder if they actually are that cool or not. Then they try to tell themselves it doesn’t matter. But then they wake up and think, “It does matter. If I didn’t have this enormous house and servants and all this money, no one would be my friend.” Then they consider giving all their money away, just to see if that would be true. Then they realize how stupid that would be because yeah, probably people just kiss up to them because they’re rich, but that’s way better than people treating you like shit because you’re poor. Then they fall asleep, pretty peacefully.
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