Nine mind-blowing (and free!) alternatives to internet, cable, Netflix, cell phones, and any other ways you entertain yourself.

It seems like only a few years ago our entertainment options were either watching reruns of “Family Ties” or watching ourselves naked in the mirror. Today, you can stream a video while watching a movie while talking on the phone while watching yourself naked in the mirror. 
 
Our endless choices in amusement seems like a great thing, right? Wrong. Try these nine alternatives instead.
 
1. Spin around in a circle. Stop. Then run in a straight line for thirty seconds. It’s almost impossible without bumping into something. Will you be the first person to not be hit by a car, run into a wall, or step in dog shit?   

2. Put crunchy snacks like chips or Cool Ranch Doritos in your underwear. Try to sit down without the chips making any noise. Can you do it? Good job. Can’t do it? You suck. Try again.   

3. Eat a banana. Then see if you can put the peel over your penis so that it is a banana penis. No one’s ever been able to do this. Will you be the first?  

4. For two people. Find some old stuffed animals. Carefully cut them open and remove any filler or stuffing. Then put the carcasses over your heads so you can’t see. Now fight each other. Each round is forty minutes. Use your best judgment to determine how many rounds you will fight. We suggest starting with four till you get good at it.  

5. Try to poop outside like a dog. This one sounds easy, but you’ll be surprised how challenging it can be to squat and to concentrate because our bodies and minds are so accustomed to using toilets, inside, where our neighbors can’t watch us.  

6. If you’re having t.v. withdrawal, try creating your own television drama, in your head. Sound difficult? Just pretend you’re a character in a show about a hospital. Then say to yourself, “Should we operate?” Then pretend you’re the character that guy is talking to and say, “Fuck you, Benny! I told you ALL my fingers are penises! Not just the thumbs!” (You may have something else pop up in your mind as a response. Go with whatever.)  

7. Take a pillowcase full of oranges and hit yourself till you have enough for a glass of juice.  

8. Go on a sewer hunt for the “Rat King.” He’s down there somewhere. Will you find him?  

9. Help change the course of human history by reading a history book and then concentrating hard till you appear in a different time and place. Then do the thing where you spin around and run for thirty seconds.