The Intergalactic Business Report commissioned a scientific study to find the best way to defeat the Covid-19 virus. The results are simple but also shocking.
Working overtime* in laboratories throughout the world** scientists*** were able to pinpoint the most effective strategy in finally ending the spread of the disease. SPOILER: it isn’t a vaccine. Instead, it’s just not breathing. We outline below how this could work:
Breathing is the way most of us expel air as well as viral particles.
If we stop breathing, those particles will also stop being expelled, which could seriously degrade the virus’s chance of spreading from person to person.
“Alive” people are the ones who spread the virus most.
It’s been well-documented that people who breathe are also alive. People who breathe also spread the virus. If you aren’t alive, then you aren’t breathing, which means you won’t spread the virus.
It’s possible to not breathe for extremely long times. We can wait this out.
Some people who have stopped breathing have done so for not just hours or days but years and decades. None of them are spreading the Coronavirus. This could be because they are buried underground or because they were cremated, making it less likely they would come in contact with other human beings, but the research is still developing on this.
In the song “Every Breath you Take,” Sting stalks a woman. That would be over.
For years, Sting has stalked a woman because he is able to monitor her breathing. This would end when she and others simply stop breathing, making her invisible to Sting and thus ending his reign of terror.
Plants are able to “breathe” through photosynthesis (or something). They would become the new targets for the virus, leaving us safe.
Plants don’t have mouths (right?) but they are still able to shoot out oxygen. What will the virus do when all the humans stop breathing? Answer: it will look for other “breathers,” like plants. Once it does, we just start breathing again and the virus will be stuck trying to infect rhubarb and poison ivy. Burned.
** We count shitty apartments as “laboratories.” These apartments are in our world, so we feel it’s accurate to say, “throughout the world.” Sue us.
*** Because the term “science” isn’t owned by anyone and because “science” is part of everyone’s life, like when you open a refrigerator and it’s cold and you’re like wow why is that cold and you know it’s because of science, we are all kind of scientists in a way.
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