After the Wisconsin State Fair issued an apology for displaying a cow with a racist name, the intergalactic Business Report has issued guidelines to assist farmers in naming their animals. We hope in the future they will follow these before giving names to animals who will be on display. We feel strongly these guidelines can also apply to family pets and children.
Before you name your public display animal, we strongly suggest the following:
1. When you think of a name for your animal, pick one that isn’t also a term that would put your life in danger if you said it around an ethnic or racial group that hates that name so much they may harm you.
2. Never have painful sex and proclaim that the next word out of your mouth is going to be the name of your animal.
3. Don’t employ a name consultant you suspect may have been time-jumped from 1863 Mississippi.
4. Avoid the “old book of racist slurs” as a source for picking your animal’s name.
5. Instead of calling the mafia and asking them what they call a group of people who aren’t Italian and then use the singular form of whatever that is, just choose “Frank” for male and “Suzanne Emannuele Jesper Rotizziee” for female.
6. Turn on almost any children’s show (except one from the 1940’s maybe) and just name your animal whatever the main character’s name is. Dora. Bluey. Steven. Whatever.
7. If you want to express how small or large your animal is and choose a prefix like “big” or “little” before the name, don’t follow it with a racial, religious, ethnic, or homophobic slur.
8. Don’t think of well-known, offensive terms and see if they rhyme with regular names and tell yourself that you’ll just call your pet/animal/child the regular name but always know what the real “secret” name is and maybe call it/she/him/them that just at home and hope you don’t slip in public, like at a playground or museum or something.
9. Don’t pick the name Guido.
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