In our first article based totally on conjecture, the Intergalactic Business Report makes the daring assumption that animals in zoos don’t feel sorry for humans who are forced to stay indoors during the COV-ID 19 crisis.
Again, this is just a guess, because we haven’t been able to actually interview any animals and when we did try that once, a writer’s balls were chewed off, which re-enforces our current thinking about how these creatures feel about us.
Taking this a step further, we’ve gone ahead and added other groups that give few to zero shits about our current situation of self-imposed isolation for several weeks.
1. Cult members who live in underground doomsday shelters and believe the world has already ended “up there.”
2. The guy who sings “the recluse.”
3. Sasquatch and probably every crypto monster besides Chupacabra, because he just seems more extroverted.
4. Jason Voorhees.
5. The caveman who everyone shamed into leaving the cave to go hunting and who immediately had his nuts torn off by a sabre tooth tiger.
6. 80’s music group “Living in a Box.”
7. The woman Buffalo Bill is keeping in the well in “Silence of the Lambs.”
8. Saddam Hussein when he was living in a “spider hole.”
9. Anyone who’s ever been to prison for more than two minutes.
10. The man in the iron mask.
11. The kid who’s in the invisible square he can’t leave or he’ll be eaten by lava monsters.
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