Science: Being alive is the biggest risk to your health.

Being dead is the new alive.

​“I feel so alive,” is a common phrase people say. Then they die at some point. Recent breakthrough scientific studies have revealed what many at the Intergalactic Business Report have been thinking for years—that being alive is a detriment to your health. Being dead, on the other hand, poses almost no health risks. 
 
In an exclusive report, we break down the stunning differences between the two. In the end, you may conclude that everyone is better off dead.
 
 
 
DEAD: Dead people are at peace with the universe and may even float around as ghosts and spirits. While this doesn’t sound like an amazing lifestyle, none of them have rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, or heart conditions.
ALIVE: Alive people talk about being at peace with the universe but are lying about it because twenty seconds after they brag about how “at peace” they are, they start yelling at a waiter or their kids. Meanwhile, they’re all about to die from hidden diseases they don’t even know they have.
 
DEAD: Dead people don’t gain weight. If anything, they lose it as their bodies deteriorate and limbs fall off.
ALIVE: The living can gain up to forty pounds from eating a cheeseburger and drinking a beer one night. Then they can go on a diet for three years and work out every day and lose forty pounds. Then one night, they eat that cheeseburger again and…
 
DEAD: Dead people have zero doctor’s appointments per year, unless you count being dug up to see if they were serial killers or related to someone famous.
ALIVE: Living people are encouraged to see a doctor every ten minutes, just in case. They spend most of their lives being ass-probed, blood tested, and scanned by machines that somehow cost $475,000 a minute to tell them they don’t have brain cancer, this time…
 
DEAD: Although covered in worms and insects, dead people never get Lyme disease, malaria, or cooties, if that’s actually a thing.
ALIVE: Alive people walk outside and are attacked by bugs nobody’s ever heard of but all carry deadly diseases that change your skin color, make you crazy, or eat you from the inside.
 
DEAD: Dead people don’t eat, so they never consume trans fats, sugar, or anything that might taste good.
ALIVE: The living try to pretend that kale and spinach and tofu taste great. Then they eat a whole birthday cake, a monster burger, and an extra-large order of fries and wait for death to take them.
 
DEAD: Dead people can’t contract any sexually transmitted diseases, unless grave robbers use them in a necrophiliac orgy, which is highly unlikely. 
ALIVE: Living people try to make their lives like a porn and bang anything that walks near them. Then they wait for their dicks to fall off.