Science: Drinking enormous amounts of beer can make you immortal.

​New scientific evidence has found that drinking enormous amounts of beer can actually have what some doctors* are calling the “immortal effect,” which is the feeling that you will live forever and cannot be harmed.
 
There is some disagreement on whether heavy drinkers simply believe they are immortal or whether they actually are, because one of them could be, kind of like in “Highlander.” 
 
If you drink a lot and are concerned about either thinking you are immortal or actually being immortal, don’t worry. According to science, “enormous” consumption would be at least six beers a night an average of four days a week. Nobody drinks that much, so no worries.
 
*The word “doctor” is used liberally in this context and refers to anyone who says something doctorly, is nicknamed “doc,” or whose profession could not be ascertained, and we went with the assumption that he or she was a doctor.