Science: your dog wants to cheat on you.

Does your dog ever give outlandish affection to someone other than you? Does he become overly excited when he sees a non-you human? Do you catch him sulking and looking longingly out the window?
 
According to new scientific research, your dog may be looking for a new master. 
 
A brand new study on dogs has shown that previous notions that our canine “friends” adore us and have an almost supernatural ability to love without prejudice are bullshit. 
 
Instead, our furry companions are constantly judging us and seeking newer, better, owners. When attractive, richer, and younger potential masters walk by, many dogs will pleadingly bark and communicate their desire to be snatched up and taken away by them. 
 
According to science, these yelps and moans are sincere wishes to get the fuck away from you and get the fuck with those much cooler humans. Unfortunately for the much cooler humans, even if they were to rescue your dog from its horrifying life with you, the dog would soon seek out even cooler humans to care for it. 
 
Our studies indicate, however, that if you are a celebrity or billionaire, the odds of your dog seeking new ownership decrease dramatically, so good news for you… If you’re rich or famous.
 
For everyone else, it seems that your dog sees itself as a kind of prisoner who stays with you out of convenience but will run as soon as something better comes along. 
 
As is true with all research at the Intergalactic Business Report, what we’ve discovered is totally proprietary, which means we will never tell you how we did it. However, if you are a scientist or understand science at a very high level, you may be able to reverse engineer what we are reporting by using your brain to think backwards somehow and re-put together our ideas. Good luck with that.