Recent collaborative studies with the Men’s Council on Men has revealed stunning new scientific evidence that contrary to previous calculations, men’s penises are not as small as we once thought. Instead, it turns out that women’s vaginas have grown steadily in the last one thousand years.*
In ancient times, men’s penises were roughly three to four inches big, fully erect, and these were considered huge, according to most historians.** So huge, in fact, that many women were unable to have comfortable sex with men over four inches in length.
But somewhere around the 4thcentury AD, something changed. Women’s vaginas began getting larger and larger, to the point at which a four-inch penis began seeming small and unsatisfying. There are many theories behind this, but the most obvious appears to be that women naturally are unsatisfied with anything that men have and anything that men do, including the size of their penises and how they use them to have sex.
Around sometime, an anonymous man said something about how “It’s not the size. It’s how you use it.” This man was clearly an asshole, but he also made an interesting point about how small his dick really was. Most scientists have concluded that it was tiny. Very tiny.
Anyway. Over time, men evolved slightly larger penises (except for you, apparently) and reached lengths of up to ten inches. Nowadays, eight to ten inches is considered the norm and if you’re below that you clearly have a genetic mutation making you abnormal, like a monkey with no hair or a squid that can get up and walk out of the ocean. Except that those things would be cool and you’re not.
In conclusion, we need to update this report to state that not only are women’s vaginas getting larger, but also men’s penises. And that’s not exactly what we were saying when we started writing this. So to recap: if you’re under eight inches, you are a freak who can never satisfy a woman. And if you’re a woman, whatever… You’re fine, we guess. But you do have a huge vagina by ancient Roman standards.
*We guess. Everything gets bigger over time. Your nose. Your face. Your vagina. All women’s vaginas…
**Some guys we met at a bar who were speaking a different language. French? But it wasn’t French. It was something else. Belgian? No, that would be French. Maybe it was Flemish or something, except it wasn’t that, because that doesn’t sound French at all and this was definitely French-sounding, but not French. You get it.
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