Scientific report: 7 reasons there is a 100% chance we are living in a computer simulation.

In case you are dumb and don’t read anything, there is a scientific theory that says we all might be living in a computer simulation made up by aliens. In this scenario, we are not even real, but essentially video game characters being played by a space creature who thinks it’s funny to make us drop our keys and spill coffee on ourselves.
 
Some scientists say the chances of us living in such a simulation could be as high as 50%, but a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report moves that number much higher—to 100%. How can we be so sure? We outline 7 indisputable reasons from our report.
 
7 REASONS WHY THERE IS A 100% CHANCE WE ARE LIVING IN A SIMULATION:
 
REASON ONE: Nobody would masturbate this much in real life. 
 
REASON TWO: A non-computer simulated version of you couldn’t possibly suck so much. 
 
REASON THREE: Lord Starborg 32 is the greatest ruler in the history of the Starborgian Empire.
 
REASON FOUR: It’s not really possible to accidentally shit when you sneeze. But somehow you do it all the time.
 
REASON FIVE: How is the name “COVID-19” not something made up by aliens? COVID-19 is the name of an asteroid, not a virus, right?
 
REASON SIX: Why else would we type penis penis penis penis penis penis penis?
 
REASON SEVEN: We just received a brain message to stop writing this article or we’ll be turned into one of the Super Mario Brothers. We’re thinking that’s a good thing?

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