If you’re like most people, you’ve probably tried to improve yourself by reading a self-help book or even attending a seminar that promised to give you focus, purpose, and strength. Or, you didn’t.
The Intergalactic Business Report delved deep into the self-help industry, testing each claim for validity. We discovered that everything you’ve been told about improving your life is totally false. Read these seven self-help claims and compare them to the truth.
CLAIM ONE: You will never be able to truly love someone until you truly love and accept yourself.
TRUTH: False, unless by “love” you mean “having sex." In that case, you can easily “love” other people. You can love them hard.
CLAIM TWO: The worst thing you can do is worry what other people think of you.
TRUTH: We tried this and found it isn’t the worst thing. In fact, according to law enforcement we encountered, it’s actually a very good thing to worry about since we took our pants off and walked through a mall screaming, “I don’t care what any of you motherfuckers think!”
CLAIM THREE: Relationships with family and friends are the most important thing in life.
TRUTH: We tried having really good relationships while suffocating ourselves and found that without doubt, the most important thing in life is breathing. In fact, it’s not even a contest between that and good relationships and whatever.
CLAIM FOUR: Take care of your body. Exercise and good nutrition can help you stay focused and happy.
TRUTH: This sounds good until you get focused on a deep-fried Twinkie, which quickly becomes your only source of happiness.
CLAIM FIVE: Turning to drinking as an escape is bad.
TRUTH: Unless you wake up on someone’s private jet headed to his private island because you got trashed with him and he’s your new best friend.
CLAIM SIX: Open communications with your spouse or partner will strengthen your relationship.
TRUTH: True, but only if you’re talking about weird sex stuff you want to do. In all other cases, it’s boring and generally sucks.
CLAIM SEVEN: There is a powerful force within you that, when unlocked, could bring you to your full potential.
TRUTH: This one is probably the closest to truth, but we found that the powerful force is only unlocked by being sloppy drunk and if “full potential” is interpreted as finding a Taco Bell that’s still open and throwing up on a prostitute.
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