Sports are cancelled and people are watching replays of basketball games from ten years ago as if that’s somehow fulfilling and not a sign that they’ve completely given up on life. Meanwhile, serious athletes are wondering what they can do to keep sharp when they aren’t allowed to compete in their sports.
The Intergalactic Business Report once again saves America by giving you seven new sports you can do in your home, alone. Play them, relay them, and don’t delay them.
RULES: Slap yourself in the face super hard. Then count: one. Slap yourself in the face again. Then count: two. Keep doing this till you get to like thirty-seven. That’s the record. Can you break it?
SPORT: Fat fuckity fucker.
RULES: You’ve stocked up on food. Now eat it. All. When you feel full, keep eating. Can you become the fattest fuck on the planet? You’ve got time on your side. Start eating.
SPORT: Dog King.
RULES: Let your dog make all the rules as you appoint him king for a day. Whatever he wants, you do it. He wants to go for a walk? He wants a treat? He wants you to follow him to another dimension where he traps and switches bodies with you and then returns to this dimension as you? You have to do it because those are the rules of Dog King.
SPORT: Extreme stair running.
RULES: Do you have stairs in your house? Run up and down for as long as you can. When you start seeing shit, like angels warning you to stop, you’re almost there.
SPORT: Penis Olympics.
RULES: Put your dick through the ultimate challenge as it attempts pole vaulting you over the couch.
SPORT: Can I fit that up my butt?
RULES: There are tons of things in your house that have always just sat there. Now’s your chance to see which ones will actually fit inside your ass. Start slowly with loose change and work your way up to your high school yearbook.
SPORT: Extreme sleeping.
RULES: They say you need eight or nine hours of sleep a day, but what if you pushed that to twenty-two or twenty-three hours? Can you stay in bed that long? And live a life of only two or three waking hours? Or are you a total pussy who needs to be awake all the time?
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