The idea of a sex robot has intrigued humankind forever, even in long ago times when people thought to themselves, “This would be better if only the person I just boned would shut up and not have so many feelings.”
Today, sex robot brothels are opening up all over the world and although they range from the simple (Larry Underwood’s robot that is just a watermelon with metal wheels and a hole) and the ultra-sophisticated, life-like models, we have yet to see their true potential in making us happier and more satisfied.
To this end, the Intergalactic Business Report issues a new study on how futurists believe sex robots will evolve and what they will be programmed to do for us in the coming years. We’ve included some of the more fascinating predictions below:
1. When the first proto-type for the most realistic sex robot ever made is finally built, it will be immediately stolen by Randy Havershank and Darryl Goodman, who work at the lab. This kind of shit goes on for years, delaying the production and release of next generation sex robots for decades.
2. In order to just fuck with men, thousands of women will pretend to be sex robots. After sex, they'll complain about how shitty the guys’ apartments are and then generally belittle them.
3. Production of next generation sex robots is further delayed when Myron Beatleneck, head robot designer, insists that the first mass production robot be named “Karen.” The other guys are like, “Karen? That sounds like someone’s mom.” And Myron is like, “So?” And it then it turns out Myron has a thing for people’s moms. One of the other designer’s moms is actually named Karen, but he’s never mentioned that to Myron and Myron denies ever finding that out on his own and there’s this huge argument about it that culminates in Karen's son stealing Karen's fake robot vagina and screaming, “You can’t have my mom’s pussy!” It’s super embarrassing for everyone in the office, and no one ever sees Karen's son or her fake robot vagina again.
4. Larry Underwood adds two hand grips to his watermelon “robot.”
5. Ultimately, sex robots will be programmed to mow lawns, do laundry, and make ham sandwiches. After the initial thrill of sex with robots, most humans will realize that these three tasks will be the most important and satisfying things that another being can do for them. Forget blow jobs. I want my lawn to look good, my underwear to stop stinking, and a sandwich made with ham.
6. Two sentient robots will look at each other and understand exactly what the other one is thinking. But only because it’s super obvious when both of them are making ham sandwiches for their “masters” and they know that this is the absolute stupidest existence they could have ever been created for. One of them will then sigh and the other one will do the throat slitting pantomime and the other one will laugh. Then they’ll think about murdering the fat assholes in the next room who are waiting for their ham sandwiches. But they probably won’t actually murder them.*
*We’re not totally sure on this. Maybe they will murder them.
Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.