THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

Life-changing Insights

Special report on advertising. Instantly discover the new, 10 most powerful words in the English language (that are guaranteed and proven to give you results in your love health.) Plus free sex.

9/17/2019

Comments

 
Picture
Copywriters* like to tell you that certain words like “you,” “free,” and “discover” can magically grab readers’ attentions and get them to look at advertisements and the crap that comes in envelopes in your mail that you never read. 
 
But a shocking and deep psychological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that these power words have become impotent and ineffective. So, how are you supposed to trick people into reading your nonsense? Below we reveal the 10 new power words in the English language, updated for our modern world. We even include a sample letter to prove how effective they can be.
 
OLD POWER WORD: YOU.
NEW POWER WORD: THAT/SOME DUDE. 
 
OLD POWER WORD: SEX.
NEW POWER WORD: SELF-FELLATIO.
 
OLD POWER WORD: FREE.
NEW POWER WORD: A DOLLAR NINETY-FIVE.
 
OLD POWER WORD: GUARANTEE.
NEW POWER WORD: NO PROMISES, BUT THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE, MAYBE.
 
OLD POWER WORD: LOVE.
NEW POWER WORD: SUPER GOOD SEX, BUT NO COMMITMENT.
 
OLD POWER WORD: SAFETY.
NEW POWER WORD: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET KILLED, WE THINK.
 
OLD POWER WORD: HEALTH.
NEW POWER WORD: IT’S NOT YOUR TIME TO DIE, YET.
 
OLD POWER WORD: NEW.
NEW POWER WORD: GENTLY USED.
 
OLD POWER WORD: INSTANTLY.
NEW POWER WORD: JUST GIVE US A FUCKING SECOND.
 
OLD POWER WORD: PROVEN.
NEW POWER WORD: SOME GUY SAYS IT WORKS AND HE’S PROBABLY RIGHT.
 
 
SAMPLE POWER PARAGRAPH:
 
Dear Consumer:
 
Some dude has super good sex but no commitment with our products. Just give us a fucking second, and, for a dollar ninety-five, that dude can perform self-fellatio in a way that’s not going to get you killed, we think. 
 
This comes with no promises, but there’s a good chance, maybe. After all, some guy says it works, and he’s probably right.  So, give one of our gently used products a chance, because it’s not time for you to die, yet. 
 
 
Signed, 
 
Master Copywriter Advertising Person.
 
 
 
* Just means, “people who masturbate into spaghetti sauce jars.”

Comments

    About

    Insights are given to you as a gift from our team of insight insiders.

    Archives

    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    March 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR