 Copywriters* like to tell you that certain words like “you,” “free,” and “discover” can magically grab readers’ attentions and get them to look at advertisements and the crap that comes in envelopes in your mail that you never read. But a shocking and deep psychological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that these power words have become impotent and ineffective. So, how are you supposed to trick people into reading your nonsense? Below we reveal the 10 new power words in the English language, updated for our modern world. We even include a sample letter to prove how effective they can be. OLD POWER WORD: YOU. NEW POWER WORD: THAT/SOME DUDE. OLD POWER WORD: SEX. NEW POWER WORD: SELF-FELLATIO. OLD POWER WORD: FREE. NEW POWER WORD: A DOLLAR NINETY-FIVE. OLD POWER WORD: GUARANTEE. NEW POWER WORD: NO PROMISES, BUT THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE, MAYBE. OLD POWER WORD: LOVE. NEW POWER WORD: SUPER GOOD SEX, BUT NO COMMITMENT. OLD POWER WORD: SAFETY. NEW POWER WORD: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET KILLED, WE THINK. OLD POWER WORD: HEALTH. NEW POWER WORD: IT’S NOT YOUR TIME TO DIE, YET. OLD POWER WORD: NEW. NEW POWER WORD: GENTLY USED. OLD POWER WORD: INSTANTLY. NEW POWER WORD: JUST GIVE US A FUCKING SECOND. OLD POWER WORD: PROVEN. NEW POWER WORD: SOME GUY SAYS IT WORKS AND HE’S PROBABLY RIGHT. SAMPLE POWER PARAGRAPH: Dear Consumer: Some dude has super good sex but no commitment with our products. Just give us a fucking second, and, for a dollar ninety-five, that dude can perform self-fellatio in a way that’s not going to get you killed, we think. This comes with no promises, but there’s a good chance, maybe. After all, some guy says it works, and he’s probably right. So, give one of our gently used products a chance, because it’s not time for you to die, yet. Signed, Master Copywriter Advertising Person. * Just means, “people who masturbate into spaghetti sauce jars.” |
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