It’s been a long time coming. Finally, many states are beginning to let citizens leave their homes and get back to work. But, more importantly, it’s time to fucking party. This is what the lifting of the stay in place orders may mean for you:
1. You probably have the ability to fly. We don’t mean you can get in an airplane and fly somewhere. We are fairly certain* you now can fly like a super hero.
2. You are immune to all disease.
3. You are impervious to danger in any form, including pythons.
4. You cannot get STDs.
5. You have a magical shield around you at all times, thwarting any threats to your health.
6. You are now the luckiest person alive on the planet. Even though it seems impossible for every one of us to be the luckiest person, we are somehow. Basically, if there’s an outbreak, it will be someone else who gets it.
7. You can lick spoons other people used and it will make you stronger. Not because you are building up immunity or anything. Licking spoons transfers the power of the people who licked them to you. It’s like you captured their souls or something.
8. You can now predict the future with 100% certainty. Go ahead and tell everyone what you think is going to happen or not happen. It’ll be right.
9. During the quarantine, your brain has developed faster and become stronger than scientists and epidemiologists. You can now override their concerns by making your own calculations and charts, all done in your mind in two seconds. Your brain is that powerful now.
10. Your judgment when drinking alcohol is almost perfect. You make great choices and are super fun to be around.
11. Pool water, when it comes in contact with your skin, emits a healing vapor that covers you and everyone in the area with a protective coating.
*We believe strongly that making shit up counts as a degree of certitude.
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