Study: Critical mass of total pricks will make it more difficult for total pricks to be total pricks.
Alarming news for people who either consider themselves to be total pricks or are total pricks and don’t realize it. Using a deep geodemographic study and proprietary psychological determiners, the Intergalactic Business Report has found that a critical mass of total pricks will soon threaten the entire population of total pricks. We break down our findings for you below:
1. In past times, total prick population was small, allowing them to prosper. For centuries, people who were total pricks thrived because they represented such a small group. In their heyday, they were often the only total prick in their neighborhood, village, or even town. Major cities sometimes only had a few hundred.
2. As total prick population has grown, competition to be the biggest total prick makes being a successful total prick less likely. Just a couple decades ago, a total prick could dominate his surroundings by being an asshole to his neighbors, threatening people, being a deeply self-centered sociopath, and acting like he owned everything. Now, there are many total pricks to compete with, even on a neighborhood level.
3. Danger signs for the future. When the left or right lane merged on the highway in the past, you could always be sure that a total prick would speed up ahead of all the traffic and try to cut in at the front of the line. Today, a huge group of total pricks is competing for the front spot, which will cause bigger traffic jams and accidents. In addition, there will not be only one or two total pricks trying to eat a bowl of spaghetti and check Facebook while going 90 mph, but hundreds.
4. Total prick population will continue to rise. All signs indicate that the critical mass of total pricks we see today will keep growing till we see most people become total and absolute pricks.
5. Total pricks may begin to kill each other off. One future scenario is that total pricks will start to eliminate one another because their total prickishness will cause them to either inadvertently kill other total pricks or be killed by them. For example, one total prick is driving through the Whole Foods parking lot and is trying to tweet, yell at his assistant on the phone, and cut in front of you to get the parking spot you’ve been waiting for. At the same time, another total prick is wandering through the parking lot, zig zagging around while she looks down at her phone and posts on Instagram. Collision. Death. And this could happen on a large scale, every day.
6. For each total prick lost, two new ones (at least) will replace him. It turns out that total pricks have children, and these children emulate the behaviors of their total prick parents. Our study reveals that between the ages of 0 and 16, a child can develop into a total prick, mostly from just watching his parents be total pricks. Some children may become full total pricks by age nine or ten and remain that way for the rest of their lives, or until they're killed in a parking lot.
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