Recent popular studies say that once we reach a point at which we have enough money to live a comfortable life, more money adds very little to our happiness. Those studies are wrong and may even be total bullshit.
According to an important counter study by the Intergalactic Business Report, your happiness is directly tied to the amount of money you have. Although the study is over forty-thousand pages long, we have pulled the eight most important findings and listed them below.
1. Ninety-nine percent of people will take two dollars instead of one dollar when given the choice. Random subjects were given the option of either one dollar or two dollars. Practically all of them said, “I’ll take two dollars.”
2. It is easier to get a boner if you are on a yacht around people in tight bathing suits than if you’re wherever you are right now. Subjects were asked to time how long it took them to get an erection. People on the luxury boats who were near half-naked models easily achieved hardness, while everyone else had difficulty or reported that they had no boner at all.
3. Slurpies with Pepe Lopez tequila don’t taste as good as Patron frozen margaritas. It’s just a fact.
4. After winning the lottery, almost no one chooses not to take the money because he thinks it will make him unhappy. On the contrary, most people totally take the money and they’re all super super happy about it.
5. When handed money in different amounts, people given the most are the happiest, while those given the least are pissed. Four subjects were brought into a room. One was handed three dollars. Another was given seven dollars. The next one was given thirteen dollars. The last guy was presented with a check for forty thousand dollars. The last guy was very very happy. The other guys, not so much (see number six).
6. When told that they should “be happy” with the few dollars they were given compared to the guy who was given a shit load of money, subjects became violent. Researchers were harmed by subjects after following them around the room and later the parking lot and reminding them that they could have got forty-thousand dollars, but didn’t, because the other guy randomly got it and not them, but that they should be happy because money doesn’t matter.
7. People really prefer expensive cars to average ones that “happy” people supposedly drive. High end luxury cars were replaced by crappy, used cars found in random parking lots. When subjects went to find their premium cars, they were told that they were gone. They were then handed the keys to their new, “happy” cars. Many of the subjects became immediately enraged and called the police. Needless to say, they were not happy.
8. Without their super expensive jewelry, people’s happiness plummets. Diamonds, gold, and family heirlooms were removed from subjects’ houses. When they returned home, they were told by researchers that their precious artifacts were being melted down to provide heating for homeless people. An astounding 100% of subjects were unhappy about this decision.
Conclusion: Although there is more research to be done, it seems conclusive that people’s happiness is directly related to the material items they possess as well as to cash money. While all the cars and personal belongings taken for the study could not be returned, subjects were issued IOU’s, which were met with scorn, derision, and violent anger. When we told them we were just kidding and that this was all just a joke, happiness returned to most of the subjects. Then we told them that it wasn’t a joke, and that all their stuff was gone. For real. Their unhappiness immediately returned. So, you see our point.
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