Study: You may be dead already.
In a stunning new development, the Intergalactic Business Report estimates the death toll from COVID-19 is 100% of the population of Earth. Earlier projections indicated much lower numbers around 350,000 globally and 100,000 in the U.S.
Our estimates are based on the number of unreported deaths, which include the world population minus the 350,000 already reported. We used data and science to come to this conclusion and stand by our motto that “Science is true.”
7 huge takeaways from our extensive study are outlined below:
1. You now live in a fake alter-reality.
What you (and everyone else) is experiencing right now is a universe created in your mind as you prepare for the afterlife. Time has been slowed down to such an extent that three months ago was actually three seconds ago.
2. How do we know this?
It’s obvious that the weird shit that’s been happening could only be made up, like in a dream or something. Think about it. The government tells you that you need to stay in your house for three months and all sports are cancelled? You get drunk all the time and then compulsively wash your hands? You enter Zoom circle jerk contests with guys from Australia?
3. In the fake-alter reality, the only source of news that will tell you the truth is the Intergalactic Business Report.
We really should get more credit for that.
4. There’s also some great news!
Now you don’t have to worry about the Coronavirus anymore.
5. If you see a light, run towards it.
Some people are just walking and it closes up. We believe this is because the afterlife is assuming those people don’t want it enough.
6. If you spent any money on a funeral plot, you’re going to realize it was a waste of money.
Mostly because there’s no one alive to visit it.
7. You definitely aren’t getting that promotion.
But no one is. So that’s good, right? Except that you spent all that time at work, worrying about the promotion and kissing your boss’s ass. That probably wasn’t worth it at all. But, on the bright side, you can’t get fired either. Mostly because your boss is dead. And firing isn’t a thing anymore.
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