Every day a headline hits that says the Earth or universe is in peril. You don’t read beyond the headline, because that would mean reading something beyond the headline. So you sit there and tell your friends, “Hey, did you hear that the universe is going to be gone in thirty years?” And then you go back to sending cat memes.
But what if you did read the articles past those headlines? What would the words actually say? Luckily for you, you don’t need to think about that because the Intergalactic Business Report has broken down all the terrible science news available and explained it for you. You’re welcome.
THE TERRIBLE NEWS: The universe is expanding nine percent faster than scientists previously thought.
WHAT THIS MEANS: Who fucking knows?
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: Buy alcohol. Drink it nine percent faster than you usually do. This will bring the universe back in order at some point.
THE TERRIBLE NEWS: NASA is conducting tests to see how to defend against Earth-ending asteroids.
WHAT THIS MEANS: Space rocks could randomly hit our planet and destroy everything. NASA’s like, “What do we do?”
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: Kill the guy from Skynet? (See below.)
THE TERRIBLE NEWS: Massive solar flares could hit Earth in the next few years.
WHAT THIS MEANS: Scientists say this could “cripple” technology on Earth.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: Cherish every precious moment you have playing Candy Crush and posting pictures of yourself taking pictures of yourself. It may end soon and you’ll have to go back to using filing cabinets and talking to people with your mouth.
THE TERRIBLE NEWS: The “Gargantua” black hole could swallow our solar system.
WHAT THIS MEANS: An endless space mouth could deepthroat all our planets.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: Become a porn star and name yourself “Gargantua” to cash in on the coming (cumming?) black hole craze.
THE TERRIBLE NEWS: “Dark Forest” theory states that aliens will kill us if they find us.
WHAT THIS MEANS: It’s only a matter of time before UFOs start blowing up all our shit.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: When the aliens get here, just be like, “I don’t care. Go ahead and blow up all our shit,” and they’ll be like, “O.K.” And then be like, “Good. So do it.” And then they’ll be like, “We will.” But maybe they’ll also think, “Why are they so cool with us blowing up all their shit?” and think about it for a second before they blow it up and afterwards they’ll go back to their planet and say stuff like, “I just can’t get it out of my enormous fleshy skull brain. They were like, ‘Go ahead,’ and it was so fucked up." And then they’ll have to think about that forever. Did we trick them? Why were we so cool about it? So, in a way, we beat the aliens.
THE TERRIBLE NEWS: Some scientists say climate change will submerge the East and West Coasts of America and cause horrifying hurricanes and starvation.
WHAT THIS MEANS: If you live on the coasts, your East or West Coast attitude will not be a thing anymore, unless you keep it alive by telling everyone you’re from the East Coast and they’re like, “You mean you’re from Ohio?” and you’re like, “No. The OLD East Coast. 500 miles East of Ohio.” And they’re like, “You’re from the Ocean? What?”
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: Just move to Kansas or Missouri or something. They’re in the middle and won’t be underwater. As for the starving? Maybe get a bunch (like a BUNCH) of granola bars and stuff and just have them ready for when the food runs out.
THE TERRIBLE NEWS: A particle accelerator in Switzerland could create thousands of black holes on Earth that would eat our planet.
WHAT THIS MEANS: We shouldn’t have trusted the Swiss with whatever a particle accelerator is. Look what they do to cheese.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: The next time you’re around particles, make sure you don’t accelerate them and if you know people from Switzerland, just be like, “Guys. Stop with the particle acceleration. Can’t we just go back to normal speeds for particles?”
THE TERRIBLE NEWS: Artificial Intelligence could advance to the point at which machines decide to eliminate human beings.
WHAT THIS MEANS: Robots will be all like, “Humans are imperfect. We need to eliminate them.” And they’ll say this in a robot voice.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: Kill that guy from Skynet.
THE TERRIBLE NEWS: The entire male population may become obsolete once science finds a way for women to have babies without them.
WHAT THIS MEANS: The thing where men pretend to pull out their invisible dicks and say, “Suck on this,” will stop happening because no one will understand what that means.
WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT: Write books about what it means when you pull out an invisible dick and say, “Suck on this,” so that future generations understand what a dick is and what it means to tell someone to suck on it.
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