Ever leave a charging cable, headphones, or anything with wires alone for five minutes only to come back to a mess of tangled insanity? Finally, science has the answers for how this happens. And they’re simpler than you think.
1. The devil. Yes, who would have thought that Old Scratch himself was responsible for your wires getting jumbled up. But a recent study concluded that the only way possible for a bunch of cords and stringy cables to suddenly move into incomprehensible nonsense was if Satan intervened and just said, “I’m going to spend the next two minutes fucking with Brett Standish of Cornish, Vermont by doing this to his shit.”
2. The wires are having sex with each other. While wires don’t have visible genitals, some scientists have submitted a theory that they receive and give sexual pleasure by rubbing themselves against one another. As they do this, they become tangled, and when you reappear to say, “How the fuck did this happen?” they freeze in embarrassment.
3. A witch put a curse on you. This doesn’t sound scientific at first, until you consider that the witch has a degree in science from a scientific university. She uses her science knowledge, according to scientists, to curse your wires so that it makes you want to cut through them with scissors and flush them all. Why did she put a curse on you? Because she hates you.
4. Your brain is malfunctioning. The wires you see are actually not tangled at all, because it’s impossible for wires to spontaneously tangle. What you see is a projection your mind has invented because it hates you.
5. It is all an alien test. Space aliens shoot rays at our wires from their space ships in order to test us. If you totally freak out, they know you are too stupid to be turned into one of their podmonsters. So freak out next time your see your fucked up wires.
6. You did it and you’re totally insane. Scientists agree the most likely explanation for tangled wires and cords is that you are bat shit crazy and blackout while you tangle everything. Then you come to and look at the mess you’ve created, thinking it happened on its own. You really need to get some help.
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