If it isn’t clear by now that being old sucks, the Intergalactic Business Report offers stunning new evidence about why it does and why it does it hard. Researchers followed around old people, observing them for weeks before making the following mind-breaking conclusions.
1. Old people hum because when they were younger they didn’t have accessible music twenty-four hours a day. In order to hear something, they would turn on the radio and listen to whatever crap was playing, or maybe buy a record, which they would play over and over again, till the song seared in their minds. Because of this, they have several horrible tunes that are permanently ingrained and must be repeated constantly throughout their lives at almost every moment.
2. Old people also have collective memories, which means they all may as well have been just been one big, single person and not the millions they are. For example, instead of the freedom we enjoy today of having four thousand Web, t.v., and streaming shows on at the same time so that some programs have an audience of three people, our elders all tuned in to the same show at the same time, watched the news at the same time, and, we believe, masturbated at the same time in what was equivalent to a world-wide circle jerk.
3. Before video games, children had to make up lame, real-life games, which they played outside in what can only be described as a very poor version of virtual reality, in which “Easter eggs” were sometimes actual Easter eggs, and kids hunted each other with fake guns and had to pretend they were shooting each other. Most horrifying was that during these play gun battles, nobody could agree who was shot or wounded. Someone would come around a corner and pretend shoot and say, “I got you. You’re dead.” And the other kid would just say, “No. You missed me.” And then he’d shoot him. And miss. And so on.
4. Very old people we talked to told us they didn’t have online porn when they were growing up. This meant they needed to make up fake images in their heads when they wanted to rub one out. Horrifyingly, when they tried to picture a really hot girl, very often she would morph into their grandmother, a clown, or a rodent, which would not only ruin the experience, but permanently damage their souls.
5. In olden times, people would often greet each other by saying, “Hello,” or “Good day.” This meant they used two totally unnecessary syllables to communicate simple salutations instead of just grunting or saying, “Sup?” Today, they must endure being mocked and ridiculed by younger, cooler people they try to say hi to.
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