One of the underrated benefits of the internet is the consistent messages about how you may already have dementia and if you don’t you’re going to have it soon. Online scribes do their sacred duty to humanity by informing us of early warning signs, issuing us tests, and displaying renderings of someone holding his back with the caption, “This early sign of Alzheimer’s may not be what you think.”
As we experience cognitive decline, it is comforting that there are people who make their livings by jolting us into the reality that at some point we will all be drooling vegetables who shit our pants. As we thank and celebrate these harbingers of doom, the Intergalactic Business Report also points to new research that indicates Alzheimer’s may not be as bad as we believe.
Stunning new findings have shown a distinct “upside” of dementia, which may give us all more comfort in our coming demise. Below we share a few of the findings that we think might change the way you think before you are unable to think at all.
9 reasons Alzheimer’s may be a good thing.
1. That time you accidentally called your teacher “mom” in front of your math class in high school? Gone.
2. You will in no way recall the ad where the guy is holding his back and it says, “this early sign of Alzheimer’s may not be what you think.” In fact, you won’t even know what a guy or a back is.
3. When you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t stop thinking about that thing you said to whoever 10 years ago? With the magic of dementia, you won’t think about anything you said to anyone any years ago.
4. Forget your wife’s birthday or your anniversary? You forget everything now and no one will blame you.
5. Assholes who use the term “forget me nots” have no use for you.
6. “Memories. Like the corners of my mind.” That song sucks.
7. You’re overweight? You look like shit? You’re bald? You’re stupid? All of this doesn’t matter anymore.
8. Wiping your own ass? Over.
9. For Mafia member only: When your pal tells you to “fuhget about it”, you actually will.
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