Guilt. It’s one of the worst feelings you can feel and sometimes it seems inescapable. If you’re eaten alive by remorse, you may be experiencing a brain function you have no control over. The Intergalactic Business Report offers a scientific answer for your pain. Below, we break down what happens as your mind processes “guilt.”
SITUATION ONE: You have unprotected anal sex with someone claiming to be the “devil” and when it’s over you eat a birthday cake you find on the floor near the bed.
WHAT YOUR BRAIN DOES: A signal is sent from your brain and it says, “Are you actually eating a birthday cake you found on the floor after you had sex with someone who said they're the devil? Why did you do anal? Are you stupid?”
SITUATION TWO: At a bar, someone asks if you want a Gorilla Fart, and you’re so drunk you don’t care whether it’s a shot of alcohol or a gorilla farting in your mouth. Turns out it’s alcohol but the effect is the same. You start screaming at people sitting around the bar. You ask them if they too want a gorilla fart and then you shit your pants. Your new boss is one of the people and asks if you’re an alcoholic. You tell him if an alcoholic is someone who bitch slaps little bitches like him then yes.
WHAT YOUR BRAIN DOES: The morning after the incident, your brain processes the information and neurally transmits a message back to you. It is pretty straightforward: “Did you think it was a good idea to get shit-faced in front of your boss when you were getting appetizers before dinner at an out-of-town conference? That’s so fucking stupid. Now you’re fired and you still have to fly home in a seat next to him. It’s a four-hour fucking flight. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that’s going to be? And why did you fling poo at him after you crapped yourself? You cleared out the bar and the restaurant over E. coli concerns. You are the dumbest piece of shit in the universe. Did you know that?”
SITUATION THREE: Some guy named Melvin says he’s your son and you believe him even though there’s no way it’s possible considering he’s obviously older than you and is from a country you’ve never heard of. But you go along with it anyway as he demands repayment for the money he spent on his college degree in Contemporary Issues Management at a university you can’t find anywhere on the internet but which is apparently super fucking expensive. And now you’re writing checks to him and putting up his enormous family at your place and they eat a shit ton of food and have really bad hygiene. And they’ve starting beating you when their sports teams lose.
WHAT YOUR BRAIN DOES: A week into your new living situation, your brain begins to make sense of what has happened and basically gives up trying to help you. It sends a final message to you that sounds like this: “O.K., man. I tried. I really really tried. But you’re beyond help. You are without a doubt the dumbest, most worthless, mentally deficient human being on planet Earth. You deserve every horrifying thing that happens to you because it’s almost like you seek out drama and perversion on a scale that overwhelms me and makes it impossible to intervene and prevent you from making one apocalyptic poor decision after the next. Good luck to you, and please don’t contact me again. Brain: Out.”
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