They lied to you about the regrets you’ll have on your deathbed. Here’s what you’ll actually hate about yourself.
No other information source goes as far as the Intergalactic Business Report to answer huge, metaphysical questions like what color is God’s beard, why the Taco Bell symbol is the last thing most people see now before dying, and what to do if attacked by angels.
As we unravel the cosmos and share its secrets openly with you (instead of charging for it, like we should) the Intergalactic Business Report is now prepared to challenge some of the most lame assumptions you have about what happens when we die.
Below, we present five actual revelations you will have as death’s cold hands drag you from this Earth into the icy unknown.
1. “Why didn’t I earn more money and spend more time at the office?” This one will hit you like a frozen can of turds as you realize that you wasted your entire adult life thinking about how to get more vacation and spend time with your family. What did that get you? While you could have driven a Porsche and slept with your personal trainer, you opted for a mini-van and grandkids you’re pretty sure were stolen from a playground.
2. “Why didn’t I have penis enhancement surgery?” This one is true especially for men. Instead of having a rock hard nine-inch erection, you settled for whatever you had. Now you’re dead.
3. “Why did I listen when I could have been talking the whole time?” This one might be the most difficult to face because here you finally understand that everything coming out of your mouth was super important, while everything coming out of everyone else’s mouth was totally worthless. You honestly spent dinner on September 23 hearing Deron Mantle’s dumbass idea for world peace. You could have been talking that whole time.
4. “Why was I so focused on love, when sex is way more fulfilling?” Lack of constant, meaningless sex with strange partners in which you leave the experience injured both physically and emotionally is a common regret of people on their death beds. Don’t make this mistake. Join some commune where they have orgies every day and night until you’re murdered by the cult leader. You’ll thank him for it.
5. “Why did I make up a birthday rap for Jessica Tambini at that office party in 2007?” This regret will never leave your consciousness because the rap was so stupid and bad that even Steve Shooshank had to explain to you that it sounded racist and that rap wasn’t just “rhyming shit.” If you do continue to a heavenly place, you will never quite be able to find total peace because you’ll hear your own chorus of: “It’s your birthday! Hey, Jessica! It’s your birthday…” over and over again as if it is stuck on play in your mind for eternity.
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