If you’ve ever wondered how columnist Ed Mountaineer stays so focused and productive, the answer may be in his simple morning routine. Read the details below:
A lot of people ask me how I’m able to do so much and concentrate my mind on multiple tasks and thoughts and other stuff like that. For instance, right now, I’m doing things. And that has to do with the fact that I’m awake. Try doing something when you’re asleep. It’s almost impossible except if you count what you do in your dreams, like having sex with raccoons and then the face of one of them turns into your boss and you’re like, “You better be wearing a fucking condom!” and then you wake up. This article focuses on what I do after I fuck my racoon boss and am what we call, “conscious.” As soon as I wake up, I follow a simple 30-minute routine. This is it:
Open your eyes. Visualize whatever you see. There it is. Right in front of you.
Check to see if your penis is still there. It is? Then keep going.
Are you sure your penis is there? Feel for it. Be absolutely positive on this because if you wake up with no dick then pretty much everything else that day is ruined.
Check for your other vital organs. If you got really drunk with those Korean guys again, they could have stolen your kidneys. Are you in a bathtub with ice in it? No? Good. Are you bleeding or do you have any holes in your body where someone may have taken something out? Keep checking.
Raise your body slowly. Like you’re getting out of a coffin or something. Sit up completely. Look around. Do you recognize the room? No? Then where the fuck are you?
Figure out why you are chained to the bed. Did you do it to yourself because you’re a werewolf or whatever? Or did someone else do it? Check under the bed to see if someone’s there, but only if the chain is long enough for you to reach under.
Does your hand meet someone else’s hand under the bed? Are you touching a body or something? Call out and say, “Hey man, where am I? Who are you?”
When the guy crawls out from under the bed, see if he’s dressed as a clown. If so, you may have been “clown-fucked.” Take a second to deal with that reality.
Negotiate for your release. Be really sincere if you can. There may be a lot of back and forth here, and the clown may get really jittery, like he’s on drugs or something and he’s not really paying attention to what you’re saying.
See if you can lure him close enough to strangle him with your chain. This gives you a ton of leverage in the negotiation process.
Anyway, I swear by this routine and feel it gives me the juice I need to go on with my day. Try it. Maybe it will work for you too. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Ed Mountaineer writes things for the Intergalactic Business Report. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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