Three things your waiter won't reveal.

​You trust him with your food. He brings you drinks, your check, and asks you how everything is at the moment you have a mouthful of food. He says stuff like, "Hey, I'm Brian and I'm going to be taking care of you." But is he really taking care of you? These three affirmatives tell you all you need to know.
​

1. I hate you. 
2. And yes, I hate myself too.
3. Yes, I am totally checking out your fifteen-year-old daughter.