Confidence. It’s what you have if you think you’re better than everyone else even though there’s no evidence that could possibly be true. But if you’re one of the sorry people who lack it, you’re in for a life of questioning your judgement, decisions, and the way your hair looks.
To ease this downward slide to actual self-awareness, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals the 7 things you may be doing to undermine yourself and make you feel like a bigger loser than you are. Bonus: we tell you what you should be doing instead.
WHAT YOU DO: When someone drops something on the floor, you pick it up and hand it to her (like you’re a little bitch).
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: When someone drops something, kick it away. As they scurry after the item, follow them and keep kicking it till it goes somewhere they can’t retrieve it, like a sewer or into the hands of a vagrant.
WHAT YOU DO: You apologize when you accidentally bump into someone.
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Instead of saying the pussyish, “I’m sorry,” change to the confident, “Dah fuck you doing?” Then furiously act like you’re wiping off germs from the part of your body they accidentally touched. Maintain a look of total disgust throughout the encounter.
WHAT YOU DO: When you order something at a fast food restaurant, you say things like, “May I please have a…”
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Just point to what you want. If they give you any lip, point again. Grunt. Point. Grunt. Point. You will feel confidence oozing as you do this.
WHAT YOU DO: You wear pants instead of being proud of what your penis/vagina looks like.
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Simple. Stop wearing pants and underwear. Most people will see you and think, “I wish I were confident enough to have my junk out like that.”
WHAT YOU DO: When someone introduces himself to you, you shake his hand and say, “It’s nice to meet you.”
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Pretend you’re going to shake his hand, then grab it and pull it down towards your balls. Then look around and scream, “This guy tried to grab my nuts!”
WHAT YOU DO: You make eye contact with people you have sex with.
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Stare into the distance and pretend you’re talking to the ghost of your grandmother, who’s giving you sex tips.
WHAT YOU DO: You eat with silverware.
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Use nature’s silverware: your hands. Then use nature’s napkins: also your hands. Later, use nature’s toilet paper… You get the point.
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