We asked the universe for a bunch of stuff and it told us to go screw ourselves: an exclusive report.

After watching Jim Carrey, Buddhissh, self-help youtube videos for 47 straight hours, the IBR staff became convinced that the secret to success and happiness is simply losing all fear and asking the universe for what you want. We tried this and here are the results:
 
 
OUR REQUEST: Please let me get up one morning where some stupid shit doesn’t happen that makes me want to punch a fucking wall.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Your toothpaste tube is empty, except for that crusty shit on the top. Use that to brush your fucking teeth while I make your cat throw up on your floor. Wall’s right over there if you want to put your fist through it.
 
OUR REQUEST: I want my novel published. 
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Your rejection letter is in the mail, but it will get lost so you think for the next six months maybe your book is being seriously considered. 
 
OUR REQUEST: Make me attractive to women.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Here’s some food poisoning during your first date in six months.
 
OUR REQUEST: Let me know my dead mother is doing ok. Just give me a sign.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Please read this letter you randomly found in an old book. It’s from your mother to some dude and it says that if only she didn’t have children she’d run away with him and be happy.
 
OUR REQUEST: Help me lose weight.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Your body now is configured so that if you eat a cracker you will gain seven pounds of pure fat. 
 
OUR REQUEST: I want that promotion at work.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: You mean Phil’s promotion?
 
OUR REQUEST: Could the traffic open up so that I can make a left turn here and finally make it to work on time, just once?
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Could you please just wait another hour as the cars are timed to make a continuous blockade you can never penetrate? 
 
OUR REQUEST: Let me win the lottery.
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: The winning ticket is at a Munchymart 50 miles away. Too bad you can’t drive there since your car was repossessed. 
 
OUR REQUEST: Could you tell Jim Carrey to fuck himself?
THE UNIVERSE’S ANSWER: Here’s another video of Jim Carrey telling you how successful he is because he can just wish for stuff and it comes true.