There are some facts we just take for granted. Dogs are mammals, apples are fruit, and your mom enjoys sex with random strangers. But a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has revealed that some of our most cherished myths are actually totally false and the opposite of true. Below, we examine nine of them that will have you standing up and shouting, “No way!” again and again, till you are finally put down by a SWAT team.
1. Our sewer systems are controlled by crocodilian people who come out at night to steal our babies. FALSE. While the sewers are probably controlled by a race of creatures that resemble lizards, it is unclear if the reason they leave their lair is to steal our babies or whether they just go out searching for other stuff, see one of our babies, and then say, “Look! A baby. I think I’m going to take it.”
2. You will only use 28 numbers in your whole life, so learn those and stop studying math. TRUE. But it is unclear what those numbers are. We believe they are probably numbers one through twenty-eight.
3. Elf penises are invisible. FALSE. Not according to your mom, who has seen hundreds of them.
4. Celebrities who do Proactiv ads do it solely for the money. FALSE. They do it because they love you.
5. The term “sup player?” is something non-douchebags say. FALSE.
6. Wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants makes you a badass. TRUE.
7. Athletes who wear the number 69 are good at 69ing. FALSE. Trust us on this one.
8. Only managers at crappy retail stores still say, “Homey don’t play that” to their employees. FALSE. Managers at many other crappy stores say this as well.
9. If you have sex in a hot tub, you can’t get pregnant. TRUE. Why do people keep questioning this one? Hot tubs are “safe zones” where you can do whatever you want with no consequences.
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