What 99% percent of all wild animal murder victims have in common.

While it might seem totally random that some people are killed by wild animals, the Intergalactic Business Report takes a deeper look at the reasons behind these freak deaths. What we found may astound you. 
 
What 99% percent of all wild animal murder victims have in common:
 
1. They put themselves in situations where there are wild animals around. 

2. Their deaths are caused directly by being torn apart, eaten, or stomped by a wild animal. 

3. When they are pronounced dead, their cause of death is listed as something like: “Killed by a tiger.” 

4. They were not wearing impenetrable super suits that stopped claws, teeth, and hooves from murdering them. 

5. They were unable to reason logically with the beast that did them in. For instance, they might have said something like, “Hey, noble Moose, I seek enlightenment and not violence. Can we share this road without you stomping me to death?” And that didn’t work. 

6. They had the inability to fly or propel themselves away from the situation either with a jetpack device or a rope that drops out of the sky and you grab it and it takes you somewhere. 

7. They were not strong enough to lift up a bear and throw it against the side of a mountain, thus incapacitating it long enough to allow time for an escape.  

8. They couldn’t find food that, when eaten, makes your body like armor that wild animals cannot tear apart or penetrate in any way so they just give up and maybe look at you as one of them or at least don’t care that you’re there anymore. 

​9. They were unable to expedite training the animal to become an exotic steed to be ridden back to town to prove to all those fuckers that these animals can be our friends and even servants that we ride upon. 

IBR MERCH