Jeff Stacey is just some dude. That’s the best way we can put it. Instead of going with our usual deep, involved, thousand-page study of a subject, the Intergalactic Business Report decided that this Thanksgiving we would simply interview one person and ask him what he has to be thankful for. We picked Jeff.
INTERVIEWER: So, uh, Jeff? Is that your name?
JEFF: Yes. Jeff Stacey.
INTERVIEWER: (Mumbles something unintelligible).
JEFF: I only have a couple minutes. The guy said this would be quick.
INTERVIEWER: What guy?
JEFF: The guy who said I’d get a gift certificate if I did this interview?
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know that guy.
JEFF: Well, he said if I answered some of your questions…
INTERVIEWER: Yeah, you’re really ruining the whole interview thing. You’re supposed to answer questions, not ask them.
JEFF: (Talking like a total pussy) O.K. I just want to get back to my family. They’re half way across the mall and I told them I’d meet them in…
INTERVIEWER: (Like a total badass) Shut up, Jeff. I ask the questions.
JEFF: This is getting uncomfortable.
INTERVIEWER: Just answer the fucking question: “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?”
JEFF: This is weird.
INTERVIEWER: You’re not thankful for anything?
JEFF: I’d be thankful to get out of here right now.
INTERVIEWER: But you feel like you can’t because there’s something keeping you here? Something inside that’s telling you to not leave this Gap dressing room at the mall and stay here with me indefinitely?
(At this point in the interview, Jeff got up and unlocked the door to the dressing room. We pursued for a couple mall blocks but were thwarted when he ducked inside a Bath and Body Works. We filled in the rest of the interview with what we believe Jeff would have said had he not been such a pussy and run.)
INTERVIEWER: So, Jeff, I’m going to ask the question again. What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?
JEFF: I am thankful that I’m a huge pussy.
INTERVIEWER: That makes total sense. Would you like to stay in this Gap dressing room with me indefinitely?
JEFF: Yes. Very much.
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