Your body. You want to understand it but sometimes you can’t unless you read internet articles that tell you what’s really going on. By far, the most frequent body question we receive at the Intergalactic Business Report is, “What would happen if I didn’t let myself poop for a week?” Today we answer this urgent query by outlining the eleven medical things that take place in your body when you hold it in for seven days.
What happens to your body when you stop pooping for a week.
1. You feel like you need to use the bathroom, but not to pee.
2. Your butt feels like something’s wrong with it and that it might somehow explode at any moment.
3. There’s a constant feeling that you might shit yourself.
4. Your style of walking becomes, “I’m about to shit my pants.”
5. You whisper desperate prayers to a cruel god/universe that always go like this: “Please, please, make me not want to hold my poop in for an entire week.”
6. You feel you hear the universe whisper back to you, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Just go somewhere and take a crap.”
7. Your bowels churn as if to say, “We’re sending a crap to your butthole now.”
8. You respond to your bowels with, “Hey, hold up till the end of my seven-day nightmare where I don’t poop.”
9. Way way way in the back of your mind, you keep thinking, “Why would I ever decide not to crap for seven days?”
10. You have a conversation with a mystic looking tattoo artist who makes a deal with you that if he can ink a penis on your face, he will allow you to poop. Then you realize the guy is a hallucination after you say o.k. you’ll do it.
11. At seven days and one second you shit your pants during a meeting with your kid’s teacher and you’re sitting in one of those little elementary school chairs.
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