What your cat is saying when he does stuff, according to science.

Does your cat rub his head into your leg or sniff things? Does she make noises like meowing and purring? Ever wonder why?
 
The Intergalactic Business Report does what no other publication in the universe has done before and gives you an article about cat behavior. Below, we break down the meaning behind all your kitty’s peculiarities:
 
 
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN MY CAT PURS?
Purring is a communication tool that cats use to show affection, nervousness, or, according to some theories, to convey a warning that they are carrying a deadly disease that is passed on by purring.
 
WHY DOES MY CAT SOUND LIKE SHE'S SAYING THINGS?
Many people think they “hear” something when their cat makes noises. But rest assured, your cat is not saying, “Kill your boss. He is the key giver. Take his soul and have the key delivered unto thee.”
 
WHY DOES MY CAT CALL ME “WEAK” AND GIVE ME ADVICE THAT SEEMS SMART BUT JUST KEEPS GETTING ME ARRESTED WHEN I DO IT?
Maybe you’re just a little bitch. And you need to step up. Are you worried about jail time or something? Men aren’t. Oh, but you aren’t a man. You’re a little bitch. I forgot.
 
MY CAT CLEARLY ISN’T A FINANCIAL ADVISOR, BUT SHE ACTS LIKE SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT THE MARKETS. SHOULD I STOP FOLLOWING HER INVESTMENT STRATEGY? SHE SAYS SHE’LL MAKE ME RICHER THAN “CAT SHIT,” BUT ALL HER STOCK PICKS HAVE BEEN GARBAGE SO FAR. ALSO, IS “CAT SHIT” GOOD OR SOMETHING?
Investing in the stock market takes patience and is a “long game.” Don’t get spooked by some initial declines in your portfolio. Stay the course and you will find that, years down the road, your investments have grown into pure cat shit.
 
IS IT WEIRD THAT MY CAT SHITS ON MY FACE WHILE I’M SLEEPING?
Is it weird you have a face that makes a cat want to shit on it?
 
IS MY CAT WRITING THESE ANSWERS?
No. 
 
ARE YOU SURE? 
This is why you have no friends. You have zero confidence.
 
DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU CAT TREATS?
Open the bag and leave it on the couch. I don’t want to see your face right now. Until I shit on it later, when you’re asleep.

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