Why do “cult” stories always end badly? Here’s one that doesn’t. By Harold Vusskels, Leader of Human Potential In My Pants.
Because of documentaries like “The Vow,” and “Holy Hell,” many people have a negative image of cults. I get that. When you watch those films, you’re taken through a predictable journey in which you first see the promise and connection a cult brings its members before it's revealed that the true purpose behind the organization is to get its leader laid and maybe steal some money from his followers.
As the Epic Leader of a group called Human Potential In My Pants, I have a totally different perspective on this portrayal of cults. I think they’re cool, first off. Or at least mine is. Maybe those other ones suck. I don’t know and I don’t care. I also think that the stuff I offer is pretty much the only way anyone on this planet is going to reach any kind of enlightenment or hope. Let me explain.
My “cult,” straight up gives its followers access to the center of the universe, which is located in my pants. It’s a discovery I made myself years ago and now I share it with my members. Who knew that the mysteries of the universe were contained in my penis all along? I guess I did.
Anyway, to join my “cult” is pretty simple and I don’t do the thing where you sign up and think it’s awesome at first and then it starts sucking. I do the thing where it sucks from the start and you’re like, “Oh… this sucks,” and I’m like, “Yeah, I told you it did.”
What makes my cult different than others? Here are the basics:
1. My cult doesn’t incrementally take your money. The first day you join you give me all your worldly possessions and credit cards and cash.
2. Other cults make you take “courses.” Mine just involve you giving me money and then having sex with me.
3. Many cult leaders speak in aphorisms and are seen as “wise” and “knowledgeable.” I just say things like, “Well, it looks like it’s time for someone to suck my dick. Who’s up?”
4. A lot of cults have hundreds or even thousands of members. I have zero. So far. But you would make a great addition.
5. Some cult leaders meet potential members and charm them with their charisma. I just asked you to join in this shitty essay and I don’t even know you.
6. Cults tend to have group activities like volleyball or meditation or things where they try to read your mind. I have a penis. That’s pretty much the only group activity we have going.
7. New members of my cult get a fresh penis. Pretty cool, right? Don’t be the last one to join because that penis will be super unfresh and used.
8. Most cults have compounds or large houses where members live. I have your place. When can I move in?
I think by now you get the picture of why my cult is upfront, honest, and the kind of place where spiritual development is as simple as having sex with my penis. So, is this the only cult story ever that has a happy ending? I guess that depends on whether you give massages.
Harold Vusskels is the Epic Leader of Human Potential In My Pants, a straight up cult with zero members because he doesn’t count himself. If you’d like more information or would like to join we will pass on your information to him. Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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