Worse than ghosting: 7 new dating trends that will horrify you.

"Clowncelling is a thing now..."

In the age of social media, dating apps, and butt chugging, the Intergalactic Business Report studies 7 new disturbing dating trends that are becoming commonplace in America. 
 
Actual ghosting: This dating trend is where your girlfriend/boyfriend dies and haunts you.
 
Booger flicking: Instead of breaking up with words, your girlfriend/boyfriend flicks a booger at you. When it hits, you are supposed to silently acknowledge that it’s over. 
 
Starting a joint acting career: In this new trend, couples attempt to become actors together and either do regional theater or move to LA, telling everyone that they come as “a package.”
 
Glory bowling: Couples drill glory holes in bowling alley bathrooms and have sex through them till a pin monkey or a manager stops them. 
 
Clowncelling: This is when your partner hires a clown to show up at your apartment and break up with you.
 
Foreign country death threating (FCDT): This trend involves an ex who starts a social media campaign about you in a hostile foreign country. Usually it’s an Instagram account with your picture, name, and lots of statements about how you can’t stand the people, religion, and culture of ____. Then all those people want to kill you.
 
All you can eating: Some couples today find it ironic and funny to put on enormous weight and attempt to single (or double?) handedly put all-you-can-eat restaurants out of business.