WTF with the SAT? We give you the tips and insights you need to ace it.

If you think you’re smart enough to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to live in a cinderblock room and have professors talk down to you for four years while you practice becoming an alcoholic, then you may want to go to college. 
 
But getting the privilege to pay all that money and hone your addictions can be extremely competitive and that’s why prospective students take tests like the SAT exam. What is the SAT and why is it important? The Intergalactic Business Report gives you the unknown facts about and the edge over this all so crucial test.
 
 
1. After you take the SAT, you get a “score,” which is the number of points you received for correct answers. College admissions people will look at this “score” and see if it’s higher than other scores. If it is higher, then that means you are a better person than everyone beneath you. And, of course, the people who have higher scores are better than you. The object is to score as high as possible so that you are better than everyone else. Each year, a few people receive perfect scores and are deemed equal to one another but better than everybody else. When this happens, the SAT people show up at their houses and give them bejeweled crowns signifying their new status among all human beings. At this point, the high scorers may each choose four people to publicly execute as a reward for their smartness. The killing ceremony takes place the third week of January outside Des Moines, Iowa. 

2. Fun fact. Originally, the SAT was a contest to see how many oranges you could fit in your pants. Obviously, the scores were a lot lower then but Eustace J. Bellenslof had a perfect result in 1901, which meant he stuffed 488 in his bloomers. He died shortly afterwards from citrus burns, an easily treated malady today but a death sentence in Eustace’s time.  

3. Most test takers don’t realize that wearing a costume during the examination will garner them ten to twenty-five bonus points, which are calculated by the exam proctors based on the ingenuity and “pizazz” the outfit conveys. The easiest route for this is to dress as a clown, which garners an automatic 25 points. 

4. Did you know you can take the SAT mentally? This just means that instead of showing up to take the test, you can be home and envision it in your mind, pretend to write down answers based on what you imagine in your head, and then turn it into an imaginary image of a person who collects tests. Then wait for the imaginary results to come in. The best part is that this is half of what it costs to take the “live” version of the test. 

5. Some elite colleges see the SAT as a test to see if you’re dumb enough to take it. Therefore, if you are a top student, simply write, “Fuck this” on your test and hand it in. Welcome to Harvard. 

6. There is no formal rule about not taking your pants off during the SAT exam.  

​7. The International School of Buttcam Operators requires no SAT score. Maybe apply there?